January 08, 2004

Thumbnail Guide to RotK

It's a long movie, and you're busy people, I know. So to save you time, here's my Thumbnail Guide to Return of the King.

Spoilers (of a sort) inside:

Gandalf, Theoden, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli go to Isengard. There they find Merry and Pippin.

Merry and Pippin - "Yo!"

Pippin - "What's this shiny thing?"

Gandalf - "Saruman is defeated. Let's go to Rohan!"

Pippin - "what's that shiny thing?"

Sauron - "RAAAARRRRR!"

Pippin - "my head!"

Gandalf - "Oh great, now we have to go to Gondor."

Meanwhile, somewhere near Minas Morgul...

Gollum - "Hee! I'm gonna trick them!"

Sam - "I heard that!"

Frodo - "Do I have to separate you two?"

Back in Gondor:

Gandalf - "Sauron is coming."

Denethor - "Talk to the hand, grandpa."

Pippin - "I'll be your servant, Denethor!"

Denethor - "Whatever."

Faramir - "Osgiliath is overrun."

Denethor - "So go re-overrun it."

Faramir - "But I'll die."

Denethor - "Whatever."

Gandalf - "Pippin, go play with fire."

Pippin - "Okay!" (lights signals)

Theoden - (sees signals) "Let's go kick ass! In three days or so, you know, whenever."

Meanwhile, back in Rivendell

Arwen - "I cry too beautifully to not be in this part of the film."

Elrond - "Why are you back here?"

- "I see dead people."

Elrond - "Wrong movie. And that was your future son. Guess I'll have to reforge that damn sword and take it to Aragorn."

Arwen - "I'll just languish here tragically, then."

Elrond - "Whatever."

Meanwhile, on a cliff near Cirith Ungol

Gollum - "I'll frame Sam!"

Sam - "I've been framed!"

Frodo - "I'm separating you two!"

Sam - (cries)

Frodo - (looks manic and tortured)

Meanwhile, back in Rohan

Elrond - "Here's your damn sword. And by the way, Arwen is languishing tragically in Rivendell, so hurry up and kick the ass of evil, okay?"

Aragorn - "How?"

Elrond - "I see dead people."

Aragorn - "Wrong movie."

Elrond - "Just go talk to the Evil Dead and get an ass-kicking army that you will inexplicably let go before they get a chance to, oh, I don't know, KILL ALL OF SAURON'S MINIONS, or anything useful like that."

Aragorn - "Okay."

Eowyn - "Hey! Where do you think you're going?"

Aragorn - "I'm not going to explain to you, because I am all mysterious and noble and stuff. By the way, I don't love you. Bye!"

Eowyn - "Fine. I guess I'll run away and join the Rohirrim, then."

Meanwhile, Back in Gondor

Denethor - "My son is dead! My poor, dead son is dead!"

Pippin - "He's still breathing."

Denethor - "No he isn't."

Pippin - "Yes he is."

Denethor - "Isn't."

Pippin - "Is."

Gandalf - "Shut up and kill some Orcs, you losers!"

Denethor - "I'm feeling chilly. Build me a bonfire!"

Meanwhile, at Cirith Ungol

Gollum - "Hee! I tricked you!"

Frodo - (looks manic and tortured)

Shelob - "RAR!"

Frodo - EEK!

Sam - (halfway down stairs, stops crying, decides to stab something instead, like Gollum)

Shelob - (stabs Frodo)

Frodo - (looks manic, tortured and then unconscious)

Sam - "I need something to stab now that I've stopped crying!" (stabs Shelob)

Shelob - "RAR?" (runs away)

Sam - "Oh no, Mr. Frodo is dead!" (cries and hides)

Orcs - "He's not dead, let's take him away and torture him!"

Sam - (stops crying, starts thinking about stabbing orcs)

Meanwhile, near Rohan

Aragorn - "I see dead people!"

Legolas - "Me too!"

Gimli - "Me three!"

Dead King - "That reference is so five years ago."

Aragorn - "Fight for me, and I promise I won't actually keep you around to do any really heavy fighting, like against Sauron's big-ass army that's still in Mordor, or anything."

Dead King - "You might be an idiot, but you do have a cool sword. Okay, let's go kick the ass of evil."

Meanwhile, back in Rohan

Eowyn - "I'm running away to join the Rohirrim! Wanna come?"

Merry - "Sure!"

Meanwhile, in Cirith Ungol

Frodo - (wakes up, looks manic and tortured)

Orcs and Uruk Hai - "Rarr! I'll kill you!" (kill each other)

Sam - "I need something to stab now that I'm not crying!" (kills orcs)

Frodo - "Sam, they got the Ring!"

Sam - "Nah, here it is. Let's go throw it in the volcano."

Frodo - (looks manic and tortured)

Sam - (manages not to cry or stab Frodo)

Meanwhile, Back in Gondor

Pippin - "Gandalf! Denethor is setting himself on fire!"

Gandalf - "So?"

Pippin - "And Faramir, too!"

Gandalf - (whacks Denethor with staff) "Bad Steward! No cookie!"

Pippin - "I told you he wasn't dead!"

Denethor - "Wah!" (throws self off of Minas Tirith)

Aragorn and Army of Dead - "Rarr!"

Witch King of Angmar - "Rarr!"

Theoden -"oof!"

Merry - "Rarr!"

Eowyn - "Rarr!"

Witch King of Angmar - "I'm mellllting! Mellllltiiiinnng!" (shrivels up and dies)

Aragorn - (to Army of Dead) "You saved the day. You can go now."

Gimli - "What about the REST of Sauron's army?"

Aragorn - "I figure we'll just ride over to Mordor ourselves and get killed horribly."

Everyone - "Okay!"

Meanwhile, over at Mt. Doom

Frodo - (looks manic and tortured, passes out)

Sam - "Oh great, now I have to carry his aristocratic ass up this sheer rock cliff. Why do I have to carry EVERYTHING in this stupid movie?" (picks up Frodo)

Gollum - "Surprise!"

Sam - "Ow!"

Frodo - (runs)

Sam - "I'm gonna stab somebody before this is over!"

Frodo - "Screw you guys, the ring is mine!" (looks extremely manic, disappears)

Gollum - (bites Frodo)

- (can't decide whether to cry or stab something)

Gollum - "I got the Precious! Neener, neener, oops!" (falls into lava)

Meanwhile, back at the Black Gate

Aragorn - "Whooee, that's a lotta army in there! Maybe I shoulda kept those dead guys around."

Everyone - "Ya THINK?"

Mt. Doom - Blammo!

Everyone - "Yay! I mean, oh no! Poor Frodo! But still, yay! Damn."

Meanwhile, on Mt. Doom

Sam - (cries)

Frodo - "Hey! I'm the one who got his finger BITTEN OFF! Why are you crying?"

Sam - "You better hope I keep crying, 'cause when I stop I'm gonna want to stab something, and you're the only living thing around here for miles."

Frodo - "Except those giant eagles over there."

Sam - "Great. Where were they 6 months ago? Bastards."

Later -

Aragorn - "Well, we didn't all die, so I'm gonna get married and be King!

Sam - "And I'm gonna get married and be Mayor of the Shire!"

Frodo - "And I'm gonna sail into the West with Gandalf, Bilbo and the elves!"

Sam - (sighs) "But first, I'm gonna have to cry some more and not stab anything."

Merry and Pippin - "And we're gonna smoke some pipeweed!

Everyone - "Yay!"

The End

Posted by Big Arm Woman at January 8, 2004 02:15 PM


Posted by: Joanne Jacobs at January 8, 2004 10:04 PM


Posted by: Jim C. at January 8, 2004 11:27 PM

Very nice. I laughed. I cried. It moved me (as much as a 3 minute synopsis could).

Posted by: King of Fools at January 9, 2004 12:48 AM

Ha ha! My favorite line was: "Oh great, now I have to carry his aristocratic ass up this sheer rock cliff."


Posted by: K at January 9, 2004 04:25 AM

Somehow I don't think the Cliff Notes people will be calling. ;-)

Great work.

Posted by: LittleA at January 9, 2004 08:31 AM

It struck me that when Frodo wakes up in the House o' Healing, the first person he sees is Gandalf. Who -- so far as Frodo knows -- is dead. And Gandalf is dressed all in white. The logical conclusion Frodo should draw is that he, too, is dead. So his internal dialogue would go something like:

Oh, wow. Gandalf. You're dead. That means -- I must be dead, too! Big surprise...

[Merry and Pippin enter]

Merry! Pippin! You're dead! Oh, well, at least I'll have someone I can borrow a pair of pants from in Heaven.

[Gimli enters]

Damn! I thought the dwarf would make it through -- he was tough. I wonder if elf-boy stabbed him the back.

[Legolas enters]

-- or maybe they got each other.

[Aragorn enters, cleaned up]

Aragorn? He's dead? Wow, we must have lost big time...

Posted by: F451 at January 9, 2004 09:12 AM

I laughed so hard I cried. Now I have to go stab something.

Posted by: Independant George at January 9, 2004 09:56 AM

I'm not witty.

So all I can say is ROFL!

Posted by: Praxilla at January 9, 2004 11:18 AM

"Whatever" :-)

Super, that cheered me up today, thanx.

Posted by: Miilamber at January 9, 2004 12:54 PM

Oh my. Once the eyes clear up from all that laughing, I'm going into the arsenal, getting a sword, and stabbing something!

All Hail Samwise!

Posted by: John of Argghhh! at January 9, 2004 03:23 PM



Thanks, I needed that.

Posted by: Patrick at January 9, 2004 05:50 PM

Somehow I started to get a picture in my head of all the characters saying their lines into cell phones. :-)

"Better now!"


Posted by: Matt at January 9, 2004 08:48 PM

Brilliant. I laughed my posterior clean off my body.

And now, a deeper look into the "Gollum sets up Sam" scene.

[Gollum sprinkles crumbs on Sam and throws the remainder into the darkness]
Frodo: Where's the lembas bread? Why do I call it "lembas bread?" That's like saying "where's the muffin bread?" Regardless... where in the bloody Middle Earth is it?
Gollum: Surely I couldn't have taken it. I hate the nasty elf bread. Sort of like how I hated Deagol shortly before I strangled him to death over a small shiny ring that coincidentally is back within my grasp except for the inconvenient matter of the fat hobbit... but this isn't about that! This is about... LOOK! Crumbs on the fat hobbit... HE took it! And he did a curiously rotten job of hiding it.
Sam: Man... I was framed. I shall stab you!

Posted by: Mark at January 10, 2004 04:19 AM

ROFL wow, that was great.

i see dead people

Posted by: kt at January 11, 2004 01:47 AM

If Gollum was played by Cartman from South Park:

(Bites Frodo, takes ring.)
"What-evah! I do what I want!"

Posted by: Andrea Harris at January 11, 2004 06:26 PM

I'm just glad no cell phones rang while I read it. That and my ass didn't fall asleep.

Posted by: Erica at January 12, 2004 09:00 AM

i feel like stabing something now, here kitty kitty kitty.

Posted by: chip'n at January 14, 2004 07:34 PM

Quite possible the funnies thing I've read in a month! You don't happen to have a "Thumbnail Guide to Hamlet" Stashed away somewhere, do you? Talk about wanting to stab something!

Anyway, I enjoyed this and several of your other readings. Keep up the good work!

Posted by: Michael at January 15, 2004 01:23 PM

Very well written. I think Sam wants to stab stuff because he can't wait to go home and thrust on the hotty shire waitress.

Posted by: Khai at January 15, 2004 05:07 PM

Theoden - (sees signals) "Let's go kick ass! In three days or so, you know, whenever."
That's was my favorite bit (in the movie, too). :) That's like giving a copy of your house key to your friend -- who lives in Afganistan.

Posted by: Jen at January 16, 2004 04:27 PM

Yeah, what about those damn eagles? They made the trip in hours! I'm pissed!

Posted by: Tracy at January 19, 2004 03:02 AM

Magnificent! Tour de force!

Arwen - "I'll just languish here tragically, then." / Elrond - "Whatever."

HAWHAWHAWHAW heehee :) excellent.

Posted by: Butterburr at January 25, 2004 09:37 AM

Holy Crap! That is the funniest thing that i have ever read in my life. Do you have any more? it's absilutly PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Elizabeth S. at February 14, 2004 06:16 PM

Awesome job mate!

Posted by: #1 Fan at May 9, 2004 09:56 PM