May 23, 2005

Thumbnail Guide to the Sith

Went to see "THE MOVIE" this weekend. While Hublet believes that Anakin's new name should be Darth Dumb Jock, I enjoyed the visual payoff of the Vader transformation, although I still wasn't convinced by the emotional journey from light to dark.

For those of you who haven't seen it and don't want to be spoiled, I have placed my helpful Thumbnail Guide to Revenge of the Sith behind the cut. For the rest of you: read on.

Thumbnail Guide to Revenge of the Sith

In Space
Obi-Wan Kenobi - "Look Anakin, we have to fly through all this stuff to rescue the Chancellor! I sure hope we don't get horribly killed!"
Anakin - "Don't worry. You've got at least one more episode of this series, and I'm in all three of the next set. Let me take care of everything."
Obi-Wan - "If I didn't know better, I'd think you were making fun of me for being incompetent."
Anakin - "Me?"
R2D2 - "Go go gadget bot zapper!"
Obi-Wan - "Where'd he get that accessory?"
Anakin - "Dunno, but it sure comes in handy. Okay, let's crash land and invade an entire Star Destroyer with two people and rescue the Chancellor!"
Obi-Wan - "There's something funny about that guy, but I can't quite put my finger on it..."

On General Grievous' Ship

Grievous - "I am an asthmatic droid thing! ph34r ME!"
Random Droid - "We're totally being invaded by two guys and Inspector Gadget--wait, wrong movie."
Chancellor - "Yawn. Oh, help. Oh, oh. I am so concerned for my well-being. Help, I say."

Obi-Wan - "We need the elevator."
Anakin - "Watch me leap like a leapy thing!"
Obi-Wan - "Still with needing the elevator."
R2D2 - Go go gadget haxxor tool!
Anakin - "Aaaah!"
Obi-Wan - "What the hell are you doing?"
Anakin - "Demonstrating my l33t Jedi powers. I can jump into and out of elevators at will!"

Chancellor - "Oh, I am so glad you're here. Look out. Saruman is behind you. Wait, wrong movie. Count Dooku is behind you. Oh, oh. I fear for everyone's safety. Eeek."
Count Dooku - "Check my leet Sith powers! I can conveniently beat up one lame-o Jedi by tossing him around and crushing him with random bits of the ship!"
Obi-Wan - "Even though I am a revered Jedi master, I am still surprised that Dooku can attack me! I am actually somewhat lame."

Chancellor - "Kill Dooku, Anakin. He's, like, evil."
Dooku - "You're totally kidding, right?"
Anakin - "Oh, the moral conflict! I really shouldn't, but...OKAY!" [Cuts off Dooku's head] "Oh, I am so conflicted. Let's get out of here!"
Obi-Wan - [conveniently regains consciousness] "Oh, look! The elevator! Thanks for saving my incompetent Jedi ass yet again, super Anakin!"
Anakin - "You're welcome, except now we've been captured by Grievous."

General Grievous - "Moo-ha-ha, Hack, Cough, wheeze!"
R2D2 - Go go gadget lighting bolt/Swiss army knife!
Anakin and Obi-Wan - "Fighty mc fight! Crashy mc crash!"
Chancellor - [As ship crashes and burns] "In retrospect, perhaps I overestimated the Jedi. Fortunately my contract runs through Return of the Jedi, so I know this will turn out okay."

Back on Coruscant

Anakin - "My darling love who I love because she is darling."
Padme - "I am pregnant. And weepy. Very, very, weepy."

Anakin - "I had a dream. I had an awesome dream. Wait, wrong song."
Padme - "What?"
Anakin - "I dreamed you died in childbirth. And since I'm all Jedi-dude, we know my dreams come true."
Padme - "Hey, thanks for sharing that with the overly hormonal PREGNANT WOMAN! Sheesh."

Chancellor - "Herein I begin my plan to turn you to the dark side by dropping anvil-like hints that I am indeed the missing Sith Lord. Fortunately, you are too stupid to get it. Meanwhile, I shall wipe out the separitist droid army which I secretly control, and I will send the Jedi on all sorts of wild goose chases so that I can murder them later. I am very, very good at being evil."
Anakin - "huh?"
Chancellor - "Never mind. I think the Jedi don't trust you, so I'm going to appoint you to the council."

Mace Windu - "You can be on the council, but you don't get the title change."
Anakin - "I shall throw a tantrum!"
Obi-Wan - "Hey, chill out. It'll all be okay. Let me ignore the neon sign on your forehead that reads "Danger! Being Seduced by the Dark Side!" and send you to spend more time with the Chancellor to spy on him while I go on this wild goose chase that has been expertly set up by the chancellor so he gets to influence you more AND gets rid of General Grievous. There's something about that guy...but I can't quite put my finger on it."
Jedi Council - "We know! It's so weird!"
Anakin - "Uh. Okay?"
Yoda - "Going to hang with the Wookies, I am."

Padme - "I shall weep. Some more."
Anakin - "That's getting a bit irritating, you know?"

Chancellor - "Here's where I tell you that I am a Sith Lord, and that I have the power to teach you to save Padme, and you totally overlook the fact that as a Sith Lord I could totally be LYING, and that the dreams you're having about her death could be due to the fact that if you choose the Dark Side you'll totally cause her death. Man, you're an idiot. And I am very, very good at being evil."
Anakin - "I'm telling!"

Meanwhile on Utapau
Obi-Wan - "When Anakin's not around, I am suddenly a competent Jedi. Whoops! Lost my light saber! Well, almost competent, then."
Grievous - "I have the highest-tech high-tech body around, and yet my HEART has an easy access panel? Who the hell designed this outfit?" [Cough, hack, die]
Obi-Wan - "Ha! Hi-ho, Lizard thingy! Awaaaaaaay!"

Back on Coruscant
Mace Windu - "So the Chancellor's a Sith Lord? I KNEW there was something funny about that guy. Stay here. Do not, under any circumstances, follow me."
Anakin - "Okay." [Follows]

Chancellor - "Ha! I am evil! And now I will kill all the Jedi in the room who are wearing red shirts!"
Mace - "But I'm wearing earth tones, so I shall kill you!"
Anakin - "Killing is wrong! He must stand trial!"
Mace - "Excuse me, Mr. Whacking the Head off of Dooku guy? He shoots LIGHTNING out of his HANDS! How exactly do you expect to confine him long enough to get him to trial? Yoda was right--you ARE an idiot."
Anakin - "Nu-uh! I will stop you from doing murder!" [Accidentally cuts off Mace's hands]
Mace - "That's my lightsaber! The one that has Badass M****F**** on it! Aaaaaaahhhhhh!" [Is electrocuted and flung into the sky]
Evil Emperor - "Thanks for helping me murder him! Woo-hoo! And now, even though my head looks like a large buttock, I will finish turning you to the dark side!"
Anakin - "I am conflicted!"
Emperor - "Go kill some kids."
Anakin - "Okay!"

- "Enact special order sixty-six!"
Soldiers - "Okay!" [Kill all the jedi]
Dying Jedi - "We KNEW there was something fishy about that guy!"

On Kashyyk
Yoda - "Chewbacca! Piggyback ride, give me to the escape ship!"
Chewie - "I only have one line in this whole freaking movie! Raaarrrrrrrrrr!"

Meanwhile, back on Coruscant
Padme - "Oh, Anakin! I saw the Jedi temple on fire and I cried! But now you're back so I'm crying some more!"
Anakin - "Uh, okay. Look, I've got an errand to run."

Obi-Wan - "The Jedi in the temple have been murdered with a lightsaber! And all the Jedi are dead, except...I'd better look at the security video."
Yoda - "You need to look at the video to figure out who did this? Oy. Stupid you are."
Obi-Wan - "Anakin? Oh, man, now I've got to kill him!"
Yoda - "Right. Like screw that up entirely you won't, after being in denial all this time, you have."
Obi-Wan - "What the hell are you talking about?"
Yoda - "Confuse myself, I do. Go to kill the butt-head, I will."

Obi-Wan - "Padme? I can always find Anakin here. Oh, and you're pregnant. Wait a minute..."
Padme - "Anakin's evil? I must find him and cry all over him and make him see the error of his ways! But first, I must cry!"
Obi-Wan - "Anakin must know who the father of your children is!"
Padme - "You are an idiot."

Emperor - "Go to Mt. Doom--wait, wrong movie. Go to the Mustafar and kill all my minions there."
Anakin - "I'm on it!" [Kills everything that moves on Mustafar]

On Mustafar
Padme - "Anakin! You can't be evil!" [cries]
Anakin - "For the love of the Force, woman, stop crying!" [chokes her]
Obi-Wan - "Knock it off! I'm here to kill you!"
Anakin - "Since when did you become competent?"

Back on Coruscant
Yoda - "Kick your ass, I will, butthead!"
Emperor - "Yaaaaahhh!"
Yoda - "Yaaaaaahhhhhh!" [Falls from great height, escapes to Bail Organa's ship]
Yoda - "Suck, I do. Go live in a swamp, I must."

Meanwhile, Back on Mustafar
Obi-Wan - "If you try to jump over my head I'm going to cut both your legs off!"
Anakin - "Hah!" [Jumps, gets legs cut off]
Obi-Wan - "I told you so!"
Anakin - "It's only a flesh wound!" [Bursts into flame] "Come back here, I'll chew your kneecaps off with the power of the Dark Side!"
Obi-Wan - "Hah! And you thought I wasn't competent!"
Anakin - "If you were competent, you wouldn't leave me here to be rescued by the Emperor, you idiot. You'd cut my head off!"

Meanwhile, on Bail Organa's Ship
Padme - "I have no will to live! And also, even though I have only gained 10 pounds in pregnancy--with twins--I have just given birth to two full-term 9 pound babies!" [cries. dies.]
Bail Organa - "I'll take the girl and raise her as a princess."
Obi-Wan - "I'll return the boy to his family on Tattooine."
Infant Luke - "Hey! How come I don't get to be a prince! This sucks!"
Obi-Wan - "I detect a great and future whininess in the Force."

Back on Coruscant
Emperor - "Arise, Darth Vader. I saved you and got you this cool new outfit."
Vader - "What about Padme?"
Emperor - "She's dead, you idiot. What did you think would happen?"
Vader - "Nooooooooooo! Now I must be evil!"
Emperor - "It's hard, being the only smart person in the entire galaxy."

The End

Posted by Big Arm Woman at May 23, 2005 10:02 AM

I concede every point of your plot summary.

But I still liked the movie.

Posted by: dhanson at May 23, 2005 10:20 AM

You forgot to mention the chancellor/emperor's proclivity for being entertained through viewing giant fish bowls.

I thought it was fine - no more, no less - and I didn't feel ripped off. I actually thought there was some good acting this time, though the bad still outweighed it. I agree with Jonah Goldberg that it was probably in the "Return of the Jedi" class. There were some good (non-ironic) cathartic moments in the last 30 mins, enough to get me feeling involved.

Posted by: Husband of BAW at May 23, 2005 02:28 PM

Save my money for sequel to The Horse Whisperer, I think I will. Maybe rent this out on dvd one day when drunk I am, if Blockbuster out of copies of Kiss of the Spider Woman is.

Posted by: Andrea Harris at May 23, 2005 09:04 PM

this is so true !

Posted by: phil at May 24, 2005 01:18 AM

I laughed out loud, thank you. And I'm glad Andrea H. loathed the horse whisperer as much as I did. Saw it with a bunch of horsey girlfriends and we spent the time speculating when Redford's stunt butt was on the screen, and commenting on the mismatched horses.

but you have a real talent for writing, m'dear.

Posted by: liz ditz at May 24, 2005 10:42 AM

Thank you for the best plot summary I've seen in years. If Cliff notes were only like this! I will be referring both "all" and "sundry" to this, as soon as I figure out who fits into which category.

Posted by: Roxanne at May 24, 2005 04:42 PM

Best summary ever. I actually enjoyed the movie (the first two lowered my standards tremendously), but laughed out loud multiple times reading this. I must admit, I did cringe at the "hold me" line that was part of your bet though.

Posted by: Jenno at May 24, 2005 07:10 PM

I did think Anakin went from being a conflicted brooder to killing cute little kids awfully fast. Would have liked to see a more gradual move towards evil.

Posted by: Sam at May 25, 2005 03:15 PM


Brilliant. ^_^

Posted by: Avalon at May 26, 2005 04:01 PM

Hilarious!! Great piece of writing!
I laughed out loud a few times. May you be blessed with more fodder for your cannons! :)

Posted by: equusreined at May 27, 2005 12:30 AM

Hilarious!! Great piece of writing!
I laughed out loud a few times. May you be blessed with more fodder for your cannons! :)

Posted by: equusreined at May 27, 2005 12:31 AM

Very well done, sir.

Posted by: Naked at May 27, 2005 07:56 AM

Or Ma'am...whichever...

Posted by: Naked at May 27, 2005 08:02 AM

That is genius.

Pure genius.

Posted by: Phil at May 29, 2005 04:38 PM